The Minion of Bueno
The Bueno Master speaks only the truth.
Welcome to The Minion of Bueno, the fastest growing "religion" in this continent. I knew you would come to this website. How you ask? There is a mystical force in this world, something that we Buenites like to call, "The Bueno" it draws us all together and unites us under a light drizzle of truth, faith, and love. Please, join us lost traveler, so that you too may find the way.
A Word From The Bueno Master
Hello fellow Buenites! Yes it is I, he who posses the highest concentration of The Bueno, otherwise know as The Bueno Master. I am thrilled that you have decided to learn more about the world around you, and most importantly, more about yourself. As the leader of this fine religion, the duty falls upon me to dispense to you noble Buenites all the knowledge I posses. Clearly such a task will take a very long time, and the many secrets of The Bueno are difficult to comprehend, so for Buenite Beginners, I have provided you with a number of proverbs to help you through your daily lives. Hopefully someday you too can reach the enlightened level of Bueno, but until then take in these proverbs like a camel drinks water. Prepare for the long haul because you have a difficult trek ahead of you. Enjoy!
Proverbs of The Bueno
Sometimes you should paddle against the river, but sometimes you should just let the current carry you.
You can lead a horse to water, but when you try to drown him, he will kick you.
In case of emergency, break glass. Not necesarilly the glass on a fire alarm, but just glass in general because breaking glass is fun, and an emergency is a great time to do it. If anyone asks you about it later, you can blame it on the cat, but make sure you have a cat.
When life hands you lemons throw them at the elderly.
Let sleeping dogs lie, make concious dogs tell the truth, and in either case sell your talking dog to the circus.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree so don't stand near trees.
Whatever you do, do not purchase a melon baller. The consequences will be worse than you can imagine. Trust me.
Hear No Evil. See No Evil. Pass No Gas.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. He will die of internal bleeding, but you'll have his heart.
If something seems to good to be true, it probably is. If something seems too incredibly stupid to be true, it's true.
A compass needle always points north. Pray you always will too.
Do not confuse your pizza slicer with your toothbrush. Your pizza will be unecesarily clean.
If you're considering taking up boxing, hit yourself in the head with a hammer. You'll achieve the same effect and forget about wanting to box at the same time.
Under no circumstances should you trick a blind person. They won't see it coming.
Fish and house guests go bad after three days. Carefully refrigerate your house guests.
Buying furniture made of ice may seem like a good idea at the time, but soon all you'll have is a clear solution.
If someone is late and they say, "Sorry, Daylight Savings Time" shoot them in the leg. If they ask why you shot them respond, "Sorry, Daylight Savings Time."
Do not play pool with a bald woman. It will be too confusing.
Chocolate is the best flavor of tootsie pop. If anyone disagrees with you, force feed them their favorite flavor of tootsie pop until they have diabetes.
Never sleep wearing slippers. When you fall asleep, you control the slippers. When you wake up, the slippers control you.
If television has taught us anything, it's that most of our lives are very boring except for a brief fifteen minute window each day when everything interesting happens.
There are no good commercials. There are humorous commercials, there are thought provoking commercials, but there are no good commercials.
If you see a homeless person on the street, ask them for spare change before they can ask you. It will keep them thinking all day.
Buy a cow. No explanation necesarry.
When you see the headings "Beef", "Pork", "Chicken", and "Seafood" on an oriental menu, they really mean, "Cat", "Cat", "Cat", and "Catfish".
A one player game of spin the bottle is an exercise in futility.
Randomly break out into song. It will make your day more interesting.
Always wear underwear that you like. You never know when you'll be stranded on a desert island and it's all you have left.
One day robots will rule the world. Learn to speak robot.
At one time in everyone's life, they should go into a department store looking as dirty and unkempt as possible, and ask to try on a pair of socks.
If you ever purchase a sports franchise, make the team mascot an ordinary object like "The San Fransisco Chairs" or "The Washington Pieces of Paper"
Bras are not as good slingshots as advertised.
If you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you hit a man with a fish, you can wear his clothes.
Walk a mile in someone else's socks, just for a change of pace.
When shopping in a pharmacy, it is considered impolite to Riverdance through the aisles. Do it anyway.
Cheese is milk's leap toward immortality.
Should you ever become a superhero, remember that X-ray vision is for saving lives, not entertainment.
Feed a fever, starve a cold, quarentine the plague.
There's a very important safety precaution to avoid electricution while flying kites. It's key.
Hillbillies are neither as friendly as they seem on the Dukes of Hazard, nor as bloodthirsty as they are portrayed in Deliverance. All they want to do is watch Antique Roadshow.
If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll sell it on the black market.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and sock puppets.
The moon is not made of cheese, but it does smell like gym socks.
Flashlights may frighten cockroaches, but bologna frightens flashlights. The circle of life continues.
When driving down the road of life, don't swerve for raccoons.
Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
Every once in a while, use a tildy. If you're not sure what a tildy is, try an ampersand.
Be wary of obscure warnings.
Everytime you use nailclippers, an angel loses a tooth.
Never hire a talking goat to paint your house no matter how confident they seem.
Principals like dogfood.
When somebody says, "It's the end of an era," pour water down their backs. That ought to shut them up.
Uncertainty is the irregularly shaped jellybean of life.
Hugs bring happiness except when they are from somebody sticky.
You can't make an omlette without breaking the egg delivery man's legs.
If at first you don't succeed, complain a lot. That'll make things better.
Only a truly enlightened man realizes that the prize within the cereal box is the cereal.
When giving a tour of your house, skip your septic tanks.
One day the nerds, geeks, and dorks of the world will unite and rise against their superiors. Fortunately the revolt will end when the Sci-Fi Channel runs a Battlestar Galactica marathon later that afternoon.
Leg hair proves nothing.
The next time you go to a shoe store, talk to the shoes. They're lonely.
90% of popular entertainment is created with gullible fools in mind.
Spend one entire day being nice to everyone you meet. They'll all wonder what the hell your problem is.
The intoxicated have a strange habit of singing show tunes they've never heard. Have video cameras at the ready.
Slap a bumper sticker on the back of your head so you can entertain the people chasing you while you run for your life.
Doublemint gum will neither double your pleasure nor double your fun. It will, however, double your sugar intake.
At some point in your life, walk into a random courtroom, sit quietly for fifteen minutes, yell "I object!" at the top of your lungs, and then run like hell.
If waiting in a long line, spit on the person in front of you. Show them who's boss.
Tabloids and Celebrity Gossip Sheets are highly recommended. They absord more pet urine than regular newspaper.
Don't let the Tarzan movies fool you. A real child left alone and defenseless in the middle of the jungle would be king of the monkeys in half the time.
You never forget how to throw a bike at someone.
When your favorite ball goes flat and needs to be reinflated, do not confuse it with your head. Ted Kennedy learned this the hard way.
Do not sell clothes made out of popcorn. The market is overloaded as we speak.
Cottage cheese is not a cottage nor cheese. Sue any company that produces this bottled falsehood.
Pancake soda is coming. Prepare yourself.
Star Jones has closed down seven All You Can Eat Buffets already, and must be stopped.
Lou the fireman is an expert at extinguishing conflagrations in flower shops. Only Lou can prevent florist fires.
At any given moment, somewhere in the world, someone is laughing at you. They have good reason to, I mean look at you.
Don't drive with your feet.
Fight odor. Hunt skunks.
If you are in distress, take a moment, breathe, and think to yourself, "How could this situation be improved by sandwiches?"
Thumbtacks are a cheap and effective way to keep birds from flying away.
Disco isn't dead; it's just resting.
The rhythm is going to get you. Pack heat.
Whistling is like kissing for the homely.
Fools now pity Mr. T.
There is no lost city of Atlantis, it was destroyed in 1975 by a Russian fleet of aquavampires, aided by The Loch Ness monster.
Small children are a lot like cellular phones. They make noise at innapropriate times, they intefere with electronics, and you can accidentally leave them in a taxi.
Popping your knuckles is like pilates for the soul.
Don't drive with your mouth, especially after driving with your feet.
TRL secretly stands for Teenage Retarded Losers.
Most Alaskans believe they live in a box of the southeast coast of California.
If you like Aqualung, try some Aerospleen.
Grahm Crackers are made of 70% sawdust.
Instead of giving a girl chocolates on Valentines Day, give her a container of vitamins. If she's smart, she'll appreciate them more.
Spend your days off in the kitchen of an Arby's. You'll feel better about yourself.
If you spill iced cream on your clothes, don't try to wash it off with more iced cream.
The nose knows, but the kidney kids. Who would you rather hang out with?
The best protection against tornados is hang gliding.
Copyright Andrew Blumberg 2005