Knox Talks 8.6.04
By Steve Knox


What a campaign we've had. Every thing that could be done has: Flash parodies, theatre releases in open presidental protest, and more references to the Viet Nam war than most history books. We are bearing witness to a quagmire of an election. People aren't voting for a candidate because they support him. They vote for a candidate because they hate the other guy more. I don't theres a more surefire way to send our country deeper into the pits of hell. Even the bad guys have some good qualities. So let's delve further into my mind and see just what's hot and what's not about "Bad Guy" Bush and "Purple Hearts" Kerry.

Most people won't admit it, but there are some good things about soon-to-be-ex-President Bush. He is from Texas after all. Good for a few brownie points, but not much else. He isn't as opposed to citizen firearms as Kerry is. Always good news for Mr. Heston. I cannot really say I find "Dubya" to be a really good president. Sure, he is good for a laugh in any speech involving our nation's teachers or the world 'nuclear', but there the rope ends.

Kerry is a slightly more attractive man, however. Not physically, but as a person. First, he is pro-abortion in an altered sense. He feels that it is the woman's right to choose what to do with her developing child, not the government's. This pleases me greatly. Instead of allowing millions of women to damage themselves, often fatally, because the government won't help them, Kerry believes we should help these women in a safe, sterile environment. Personally, I think we should allow abortions in this sense. In some cases, however, I think we should allow late abortions, all the way up to sixth grade. Sometimes it takes that long to decide.

Kerry also is willing to defend his entire country, not just Texas, from the Charlie. He won not one, not two, but THREE Purple Hearts. And he lets us know, dammit. I think it is important to note that when Kerry was questioned about the awards, he said that one of them cost him about two days of service, while the others did not interrupt his duty.

He won the first December second, 1968. During a covert mission in which he was to "flush out" the Charlie, his ship, dubbed 'Robin', had engine trouble, and his backup, 'Batman', was delayed.He was forced into combat against the Viet Cong. During the firefight, he was slightly wounded on his arm, earning him his first Purple Heart on his first day of actual combat.

Purple Heart number two is just downright pathetic. February twentieth, 1969. While on a patrol of sorts, Kerry and his men spotted three men, clad in all black, bolting down the river bank. From their ship, the crews opened fire. After 14,000 rounds of .50-caliber ammutintion, the damage included "40 sampans, 10 hut-style hootches, three bunkers, and 5,000 pounds of rice." However, no enemy casualties were ever reported. In all this, Kerry managed to lodge a piece of shrapnel in his left thigh and another Purple Heart on his uniform. A report on this battle which was later filed concluded with these words: "Future missions in this area should be oriented toward psyops rather than destruction."

Last, but not least, is Purple Heart number three. The damage was done on March thirteenth, 1969. After a mine exploded near his boat, damaging his arm, Kerry realized a man only known as "Rassman" had gone overboard. Rassman was recieveing sniper fire, so Kerry directed his men to do little more than distract the snipers while he reached out and pulled Rassman back on board

. While he was more than eager to defend his country, Kerry now believes We, the People, should not be allowed to carry automatic, or even semiautomatic weapons. While automatic weapons is slighty more tolerable (The 1984 Automatic Weapons Ban will be lifted in November with both candidtes expected to have it re-instated.), semiautomatic is just plain absurd. Boo on Kerry. That is my only complaint against him, but it is a very big one.

Bush, I don't really like. He's led our country on wild goose chases, proved to be very opinionated against gay marriage and, as JibJab Films said, is a "stupid dumbass". There is really way to much on this guy for me to cover now, since I've gone on for so long. I'll come back to it at a later date, possibly only if he gets elected.

Given this less than unbiased view of our candidates, I think we can all see why people are voting for the least-hated candidate. This is probably not the first time in history it has happened, but it is most definitely the going to be the most memorable. Of course, Gore's recount will always run a close second. As Jon Stewart said "We're less than four months from the election. Can you believe it? Four months. And we're less than six months away from the last recount too."

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