Knox Talks 7.20.04
By Steve Knox


To become famous in this country, it takes a lot of hard work and determination, or you can just cause a nation-wide scandal. In the history of fame, every celebrity from the top of the heap to the bottom of the barrel has at least one big stink under their belt, and many have more. Just imagine: you wake up one morning and decide that you are going to kill the president. Why not? So you go get your gun and you take a nice trip on over to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Lo and Behold, there stands the man himself, giving a speech in the great outdoors. As you make your way over to the crowd, you look for guards. They are everywhere. You level the revolver and BAM! You miss. Five seconds later, you are tackled to the ground by Meathead Jones. The next morning your picture is on page one of every paper across the country. No hard work, a couple hundred bucks for the gun but hell, it was worth it. You are famous. Sadly, this concept of fame through scandal and disruption has become an epidemic in mainstream America.

I will start with everyone's favorite ex-President, Bill "Blow-Me" Clinton. Back in 1998-99, Congress put Mr. Clinton on trial for impeachment not because he willingly received oral sex from Monica Lewinski, but for an act much worse and vile than that. He forced her to lie about it. Oh God! Stop the presses! Never before has a President lied about anything! Just ask Richard Nixon! Disgusting. First of all, whoever thinks that a knobjob does not trump lying should be taken out and shot, all sane men excluded. While it is true that oral sex is adultery, the people who have argued about said fact and the very idea that getting a job on the job would be an acceptable practice for the President are out of their minds. I believe Lewis Black said it best. "Is oral sex adultery? Yes! That's the end of the fucking argument! If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery." And, thus, the Clinton legacy remains firmly and distinctly in American History...on a blue cocktail dress.

Monica, on the other hand, did not fair so well. Post-scandal, she began her own clothing line and was the hostess-with-the-mostest of a reality show called Mr. Personality. A dating show where each potential suitor is hidden by a mask. What a concept. Of course, we all know that the last person always gets chosen based on their "personality", but I digress. After the scandal slithered away from the forefront of the public's mind, so went Monica. Unfortunately, she just did not have the clout to keep the publicity. I think she should write a book. It worked for Clinton, didn't it?

I'm only going to touch lightly on the nutjob (no pun intended) that is Dr. Jack Kevorkian, "Assisted Suicide Pioneer". He devised a contraption that allowed a patient to receive a dose of a narcotic, followed by a lethal dose of potassium chloride, which would stop the heart. The patients were left in control of their own destiny, and were given the ultimate decision as to whether or not they would end their pain and suffering. Providing the tools for death is all he did for a long time. However, in 1998, Kevorkian administered an injection himself, and taped it with intent for national TV. He dared lawyers to try him for murder. Note that this is after four previous trials for assisted suicide. He is now serving 10-25 years in jail. The guy was an idiot. He had a great idea, albeit slightly less than legal, and he threatened lawyers. I think it speaks for itself. Again, no hard work and no determination. Just a stupid act. And what is he? (In)famous. And in jail.

Moving onto news of the now. Kenneth Lay, of Enron, Inc., has been charged with and found guilty on eleven counts of fraud and conspiracy among other things, and will serve a maximum sentence of ten years. After the trial, he stated that "I firmly reject any notion that I have engaged in wrongful or criminal activity." How can the CEO of a major energy management company be "conveniently" left out of the loop while the entire rest of his company plots brownouts half way across the country in order to open a market for their product? The answer is simple: You can't. Everyone knows that it is always the head of the major company who is plotting the massive industry takeover. If I have learned anything from video games, it is that you could find the Pope at the final stage, and he would still be the bad guy. There is not a snowball's chance in hell that Ken Lay was completely oblivious to what was going on in his company. Glad you got your fifteen minutes of fame Kenny Boy. Good for you. Enjoy the notoriety while it lasts.

Last, and very possibly least, is America's homemaker and stock fraud expert: Martha Stewart. Charged with stock fraud and insider trading, Madame Stewart is now serving month one to five for her actions. I want to see how she is going to do the show in prison. I can just imagine...Hi everybody, and welcome to Martha Stewart Living, the Prison Chronicles. Today, we will be decorating the walls of out lovely 8x10 cell here with the remnants of this morning’s breakfast. Oh, I just can't wait. Later, we are going to meet with resident rape-evasion expert Andy Sphincter. He has an outstanding record of only having been taken 3 times in the last year. And, to end today's show, were going to use our beds to build a solid rafter 8 feet up in the cell for me and my cellmate, Lea Fastow, to hang ourselves by because we just cannot face the shame of going back out there. Oh, the shame. Well, let's get started then, shall we? Oh, what a classic it would be. I'd buy the DVD box set in a heartbeat.

My point is this: in today's world, no one cares how much time you devoted to the "One-Armed, No Legged, Blind, Deaf and Dumb Children's Foundation" All the people of America care about is how much crack you were caught with, or how many millions of dollars you cost the government. We are a country who idolizes the less than worthy and shuns those who have dedicated to their lives to truly making this world better. We have re-written the definition of fame to placate those talentless lowlifes pleading for their Andy Warhol guaranteed fifteen minutes. Sadly, this corruption has trickled all the way to the United States government. We need to give hard work meaning again, whether it be by getting out there and setting examples, following those who already are, or just idolizing the working man. If I ever become famous, I hope I am known for curing some disease or creating great art, not making an ass of myself in the public eye.

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